My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it.
I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep.
There's no point to anything I'm doing, to any of the money I'm making, my future looks just like my past, I'm going to work until I die anyway, and I hate working, so why even keep going? I have literally nothing to look forward to. I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of actually going through with it.
I'm really sorry. I can relate a little about the work anxiety, but a lot about the existential dread.
While I don't have any pat answers for you, I'd like to encourage you about the existential anxiety you feel. If my personal experience is anything to by, you have a few reasons for hope on that front.
First, unless you've thoroughly explored a lot of world views, you can hold out hope that you'll find one that you conclude is true and which gives ultimate meaning to your time on earth.
Second, in my experience the acuteness of existential dread doesn't stay in the foreground forever. At the very least you might find relief by distracting yourself with video games, good movies, etc. But with some effort you can develop friendships that buoy your spirits and take your focus away from yourself.
I hope you play the long game on this. Having been in a similar place as you, I found that life can indeed get much better.
I've already put the effort into developing friendships... I moved back to my childhood home where I'm close to family and many of my life-long best friends. I see them all the time now.
It doesn't matter. None of it is making me think life is worth it at this point. So what, so I get to see family and friends? Then what? I go back to bed and want to die again.
My world view is mostly rooted in Camus's writing on the myth of Sisyphus. There's no point to any of it, life is absurd, but the daily struggles I go through are supposed to be enough to fill my heart.
Until they aren't any more, and any way out seems better than repeating the same shit day in, day out, where days blur together and I'm treading water until I die.
My thoughts aren't on my existential dread 100% of the time, but they seem to be my baseline. They're what I return to when things get quiet and I'm trying to sleep. When I fail at a project and I have to start over. When the weed wears off. When I wake up. When I'm not actively distracting myself.
I strongly recommend you seek out therapy in some form.
Heck, even something like using this free service [0] where you could offload to a stranger could help lift the enormous burden you are feeling and help reset your currently gloomy perspective about life.
I can't presume to speak for the OP, but a statement like that might not help. (I don't mean you shouldn't have posted it; just that it may not have the positive effect on the OP that you're hoping for.)
For some people with existential dread, the "no reason at all" aspect is the exact basis of their unhappiness. It's the sadness of nothing, ultimately, mattering in any satisfying sense.
I'm not sure everybody can relate to this kind of sadness. It's definitely near the pinnacle of Lazlo's hierarchy of needs; I'm guessing it figures into his "transcendence" category.
> My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time.
It's probably really worth it to change your work situation—it might help with the other issues even if it seems unrelated.
When you're really stressed it can have a big impact on your thinking in other areas, even if you'd swear your thoughts are based purely on an objective assessment.
It may be that you make a change, work somewhere else, maybe even change careers—whatever it takes to not be constantly stressed—and then the other parts of your life begin falling into place.
Be patient with it, but if you get away from the stressful stimuli for long enough your mind will start naturally settling again and many of your problems may clear up.
When you say this for instance:
> I have literally nothing to look forward to
It may surprise you some day that you couldn't think of anything at this time while answers are so easily available then.
Take some time off to care for yourself. Do some exercise and try meditation and CBT. Don't hope for things to fix themselves, and admit you are heading in the wrong direction.
It doesn't sound like OP's life is broken. He is actually OK. It is just that his life has no meaning/purpose for him. Most of life is a circus, I agree with him, but there are nice things too. Unfortunately he doesn't see it this way.
I understand where you are. I’ve been there myself. Know that you have value and meaning. You might try to reach out to others (friends, family, etc.) and/or make a point to interact with groups (volunteering, meetups, sports games, church, trivia, etc.). Spending time with good people can be very helpful. Please also consider professional help. All the best to you.
My work stress level is basically maxed out and has been for a long time. I'm not coping with it.
I can't sleep well, and at night my thoughts are filled with ideas of suicide. The thought of putting a gun to my head is calming, like I'd finally be able to relax. I imagine a lot of elaborate and violent ways to go, and these thoughts seem to be the only things that relax me enough to fall asleep.
There's no point to anything I'm doing, to any of the money I'm making, my future looks just like my past, I'm going to work until I die anyway, and I hate working, so why even keep going? I have literally nothing to look forward to. I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fear of actually going through with it.